Puppet Master

It was 4 in the afternoon and we were still hungover. We‘d found a crate of fermented orange juice two days ago and it was yet to leave our system. Words vomited out of Chutterbug ‘ I'm getting us a movie.’ He rose groggily, fell into the dog we‘d brought back, climbed up the door frame and was vertical once more. ‘Tidy up while I'm gone’ we’d started saying that weeks ago and it hadn't gotten stale. The air paused waiting for the door to slam but it never did.

I felt like I’d forgotten to tell him something important. ‘Important things between friends aren't said.’ No brain, this wasn't philosophical importance it was a real important. I checked the remote, the batteries were fine. What was it? I looked around, the room span, I shut one eye and tried again. Everything was in it’s regular state of cunning disarray, broken and filthy. I heard a truck pull up. Harris was back.

‘I got the Re-Animator!’

‘Shit!’

‘You seen it?’

‘I just remembered we bust the player in the last round of hammer tennis.’

‘No problem for this cat.’
He sung a Tarantella and made for the record player. We very carefully picked up Quasimoto's Unseen dusted it off and placed it back in its sleeve. He ripped open the DVD case, slammed the disc onto the record player and pressed play, it begun to spin, so good so far. Then the needle scraped across the top of the DVD making a terrible noise for our heads. ‘Wrong way round, idiot.’ Chutterbug said blaming me. He flipped it over and started again. I knocked the light off and pointed the record player at the whitest wall we had. The wall flickered and to my surprise it worked. ‘These DVD players, Blu-Rays and ifads are just conspiracies, they do nuttin' something invented in the 60’s couldn't do.’ A sentence that makes me glad he doesn't have Twitter.

‘I got the wrong movie.’ This was Puppet Master. Confused, Chutterbug decided to Google it. With no internet this involved leaning out of the window and demanding that Lou ‘Jivin’ Mistletoe (who lived three doors down) did it for us. Chutterbug slammed the window shut, staggered back, tripped over the dog again and miraculously landed in his chair. He wasn't in. 

‘That puppet is just looking out the window, chilling to some records. It’s not scary but hey man we do that all the time.’

‘Is the Puppet guy the voice of Dr. Finklestien?’

‘Dunno, Google it. HEY LOU! Oh right he ent in.’

It might just be our stained walls but this movies lighting is really flat, the type you’d see on an ITV book adaptation. ‘I like this psychic bullshitting her way through a reading with her southern drawl.’ We meet a couple doing some psychic sex science but I'm distracted by the pain in my retinas and Chutterbug insisting the dog looks like Forest Whittaker. He is a fool, it looks like Martin Lawrence.

All the characters get a psychic message telling them to meet at an old hotel ‘We’ll need all our collective powers.’ The sex scientist guy says. ‘This seems like a set up to a survival horror game.’ Chutterbug nods and we lament our Snes, a molten pile of plastic in the corner of the room. Thankfully our Ouija rituals hadn't required the games.

‘What the Jazz-Rock is up with these guys? They’re getting off on flashbacks of slo-mo elevator rape!’ He’s right. The characters in this film are weird. I'm unable keep my eyes open, but they certainly sound weird. Ancient Egyptians, alchemists, memories of objects by touch, things to come. That bit of exposition should be the film. ’Hey look breasts!’ I pull an eyelid up and find they’re attached to a woman. She looks like she belongs in a magazine. Not the glossy stuff you see on the top shelf of a Spa but the kind you find on faded paper scattered throughout the woods. ‘I can see the proverbial strings you lazy cameramen.’ Harris nursed his head, breasts can only distract a man for so long before reality kicks back in. ‘That chick puppet is vomiting leeches. Leeches Carl, look up.’ The fleeting moments of stop motion are where this film peaks. The case credits David Allen of Batteries Not Included and Willow fame as the effects guy but I'm not sure if that’s correct chronologically. ‘The Director of Meet the Feebles isn't the director of Lord of the Rings. Because when Peter Jackson made Feebles, he hadn't made LOTR.’ Did that make sense? I wasn't sure if I‘d spoken it aloud, my friend doesn't answer.

‘I bet the plate that this film goes down like Freaks.’ He’s a smart betting man, pitching that just as the film starts to go down like Freaks. Let him have it. I still have the bowl. The movie has more set ups and payoffs than I think people would give it credit for. But the only consistency my mind allows is a strong urge to play Clock Tower. Sadly, I remember what we did. The hangover peaks, my body has found out I’d been cheating on it and promptly kicks me out. Harris wakes me up.

‘So the bullshitting southern psychic chick, was actually right all along! I bet if you’re a fan of exploitation or wack horror movies ya might dig this. The ending was kinda cool, they should remake it. Why remake King Kong? The Warriors? Or the Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the thousandth time? When this flick has a neat idea, tight finish but lacks the execution?

‘Now who asks too many questions?’ I say grinning in his general direction. Chutterbug lets out a sandpaper laugh that Tom Waits would envy. 

‘Can we watch the special features?’ 

‘It’s a record player Holmes. Hair of the dog?’

‘That’s a point, we should probably walk it.’

‘I left the door open. Where’s the orange juice?’

The Muppets Wizard of Oz, A review

The Muppets Wizard of Oz, A review

‘Lets watch the Muppets Wizard of Oz.’ Said my friend and flatmate Chutterbug Harris, he was determined to spend the night in. Playing guitar low in the mix of a theme tune for an obscure podcast did not pay well. ‘Never heard of it’ I said, confident that there was a Treasure Island, A Christmas Carol and an Apocalypse Now in the works but not an Oz. Chutterbug lent forward from his broken armchair ‘Psst,’ he whispered in that way that’s twice as loud as normal speech. ‘It’s kept on the DL so film students bragging how they know ev'ryting Tarantino did are wrong. That, or because a black girl is the lead.’ ’What about the Wiz?’ I exclaimed. ‘What about it?’ He snapped his head back and let out a hoarse laugh that made his guitar twang.

This was to be the first of many nights in. He swaggered back into the living room with the DVD in one hand and what was left of the Christmas brandy in the other. It wasn't much of a living room, four walls slowly filling up with old bottles, leftover food and Jazz records. ‘You've heard that Dark Side of the Moon syncs up with the original right? Well this syncs up perfectly with alcohol’ He casually explains while measuring shots, why he did this every time was beyond me as he then proceeded to pour a generous half of the drink into a noodle pot and shove it in my direction. I wiped the chickens blood off the television (we’d been practising magic the day before), popped the DVD in, got comfy on an old fruit crate and he hit play.

‘Optimus Prime and Eeyore use the same lungs.’ said Chutterbug as he pumped up the jams. I am always amazed at no matter how poor a musician gets they’ll always have speakers that can make your nosebleed. ‘This can’t be the right movie’ I said concerned. ‘You’ve mixed the DVD up with a 90’s music video again.’ ‘No I ent, look Queen Latifah’s in this mo fucker!’ Chutterbugs way with words always outstands me.

‘What the fraggle rock is going on here?’ The Muppets were just referred to as the most POWERFUL puppets in Hollywood, the first joke from them was a porn one followed by a sex one, was that a Napster reference? My confusion only escalates in the following scenes. Toto’s a prawn? Dorothy want to be famous? TV looking sets? I down some brandy and press on. The alcohol warms me up and provides a pleasant distraction from the ropey special effects. ‘Quit gagging you pussy, we’re in Oz’ Chutterbug gleams. And my how we are, sort of.

The original Wizard of Oz is such a major part of our collective unconscious that we recognise parody and/or pastiche a mile off.  It feels like a cover song whenever different hands visit it. Clap your hands you know the beat. This can function as a blessing or a crutch to limp a lazy screenplay on. ‘Ashanti is trying to upstage the Muppets! Ha! What a fool’ my friend chuckles between glugs. ‘Yeah fuck going home Ashanti seek fame and fortune. A scarecrow frog wants a brain, y’know why? To help people! You better learn a valuable lesson by the time this films through.’

Gonzo is a robot with a telly tubby belly and a dark origin story. He asked the witch for time off work to spend with his love and she cursed him, turning him into a robot slave with no heart. ‘We’re watching a film where Gonzo has the most depth and motivation. Mr Harris I am amazed.’ ‘Please,’ he says coolly ‘Mr Harris is my dad.’ Twenty minutes into the film and I wonder if the producers ever thought that giving Pepe the prawn this much screen time was a good idea. I ponder on the location of Waldorf and Statler when where an ad break would have been the screen goes black. I catch a glimpse of me and Harris hunched over, barking madness at the TV and get my answer.

‘I got the name Chutterbug from Dr. Teeth during WWII.’ my friend began ‘We were surrounded by radioactive waste when-Holy shit dog they are trippin’ on poppies in a kids movie!’ I never got to hear the end of that tale and I have the Poppyfields scene in this film to blame for it. The rest of which becomes somewhat hazy:

‘Oh cool, Oz is a dragon…Oh it’s cgi’

‘Frank Oz reference, boo ya!’

‘A horribly animated woman. You can probably buy her nude on Turbosquid for a dollar’

‘Tarantino thinks pigs ‘ave hooves not trotters!’

‘Boss Nass is in this movie!’

‘Fozzie Bear, looks more like Jeffry Tambor in this than he does.’

‘he isn’t the Muppets Frasier, that’s Rowlf the dog.’

‘I FUCKING LOVE THE MUPPETS!!’

‘…Oooh Ms Piggy in leathers.’

We warm up the leftover chicken and I start to sober up. An Apocalypse Now reference appears which is strange as I thought about it earlier, but then there was also a Napster reference and I hadn’t thought about that. Then, in the mist of the Wicked Witch of the West fight it cuts to Quentin Tarantino swinging a samurai sword, intensely pitching the scene to a terrified Kermit. I am not making this up:

I look dumbfounded at Chutterbug who simply nods that slow, knowing nod only jazz musicians can pull off.

So the Wizard of Oz’s room was all cgi, now when they return it’s just a wooden set and Kermit says ‘It’s not even green.’ A clever line for the movie fans or just because everything else in the emerald city is green? No one knows, perhaps the budget ran out. What was that line about it skipping two hours? Was this show broadcast over an evening inbetween something that takes up two hours? How long is a Superbowl? Chutterbug says I ask too many questions when I drink. Least I assume that’s what he was trying to say when he swung the empty brandy bottle into my mouth screaming ‘Do you think I have the answers?’ again and again. That’s just banter these days I suppose. While I'm picking glass from my face the film comes to a head, and everyone learned something. We learnt what we wanted is what we had all along, except for Dorothy who has changed her mind and wants to go home instead. Gonzo gets a chicken and Pepe continues taking up screen time, just as I'm doubting his presence he manages to make me chuckle. Perhaps the reason no one seems to be aware of this film has nothing to do with my friends opinions but because it simply isn't as good as the other Muppet films. But pfft, it still has the Muppets in it. An opinion I keep trying to ram into my brain as the film bookmarks itself with more 90’s r ’n’ b. We throw what’s left of our brandies into the fire.

The day after I pick a melted DVD from the bottom of it. As the fear sets in I wonder if we’d just been staring into the flames all night. Chutterbug met the rest of the Ragtime Dollarseekers with singed eyebrows. Skits McCoy tells me he just looked at them and said ‘When you're done laughing yo asses off I got a guitar to play.’

Carl

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